Killer Bees: the Slideshow

Killer bees a threat?

-Article about killer bees and how they are a threat

-Pictures that show how killer bees are dangerous (maybe, a person dying because of killer bees)

-Secret note found written by killer bees:

-“Hopefully the people in America don’t think that we are a threat. That will make them easier for us to kill. Sincerely, The Killer Bees”

The history of killer bees

Top differences between KILLER BEES and regular bees:

Killer bees gather into swarms more frequently

Killer bees guard their hives more aggressively, with a larger alarm zone around the hive

Killer bees have a higher proportion of "guard" bees within the hive.

Killer bees deploy in greater numbers for defense and pursue perceived threats over much longer distances from the hive.

Killer bees can be found living in ground cavities more often than their European counterparts

Killer bees are more evil than other bees

Killer bees go for the eyes

Killer bees are more likely to attack orphans and the elderly

Unlike regular bees, who are content to live and let live, killer bees want to force their communist bee lifestyle on all of humanity

Perhaps the biggest difference between killer bees and regular bees is the frequency at which killer bees kill: significantly more frequently.

Anatomy of a killer bee

Killer bees affect on America

-Map of projected killer bees spreading

What to do if you are attacked by killer bees

­-The number one thing to realize about killer bees is that you are more afraid of them than they are of you. When attacked by killer bees try some of the following tactics to ensure the highest chance of survival (although honestly it still isn’t very good)

- Don’t make eye contact with the bees and say as little as possible to them. Just give them whatever they ask for as quickly as you can.

- Shield yourself with a nearby person or baby. If you have a fat friend, lie on the ground and pull them on top of you.

- Beg and plead. Try and appeal to their sense of decency.

-If you are wearing stripes, try and convince them that you are a bee, but in disguise to spy on the humans.

My proposal for fighting killer bees

Conclusion

Random facts about killer bees

-After a killer bee stings you its stinger is ripped off of its abdomen and the bee dies shortly thereafter. That is why killer bees don’t sting with their stingers but rather with small bee knives and guns.

-Killer bees tend to migrate north looking for better wages.

-By the year 2012 fifty percent of the nation will speak killer bee.

-Killer bees write beautiful poetry and are skilled painters and sculptors.

-Killer bees will fly inside of your body and sting your heart.

-Killer bees are taking valuable American jobs.

More palindromes that Scott wrote

Here are some more palindromes that Scott wrote:

No Roman DNA moron!
Major fag afro jam.
Debt? Ewe, wet bed!
On Obama I am a Bono.
Salad, alas.
Tell Abe "ballet".
Ferret-rams: a smarter ref.
ROTC: A factor.
L.A.--it's election! No, it's celestial.
Snug guns.
Rot a gym, Mum. A mummy gator.

Stand-up material

This is something I thought of the other day and wanted some help with.

So I am a poor college student and I am always looking for a quick way to make a buck so I am trying right now to get into this medical study (one of those things were they shoot you up with experimental drugs and then if you don't die then you get money). So I am talking to this lady trying to get her to accept me into the study but it is kind of weird because I am so used to talking with people and trying to get them to hire me that I just kind of automatically try and sell myself. But I don't really know how to sell myself to someone who is looking for warm bodies for a medical experiment.
"Tell something about myself? Hmmmm. Well let's see... I have a lot of blood."
Its tough, you can't really go off of experience:
"Oh yeah I take random drugs all the time, hasn't killed me yet!"

Anyway, that is all that I have right now. So here is the question: What are some other things that you could say to a medical test recruiter to convince her that you would be a good subject?

If you can think of anything feel free to post it. Or just give me feedback and let me know if you think this is funny.

Explanation of the script below

Okay so the script below is an idea that I have had in my notebook for a long time. I have a big long list of ideas for comedic short films and I have been going through and knocking them off one by one. This one seemed easier to write than some of the other ones so I decided to write it out a couple of days a go.

I like the comedic idea in a scene of getting some momentum going in one direction and then at the last second switching directions and catching people off guard. One thing that I have noticed with this is that it makes it imperative that the scene before the switch comes across as legitimate and real, otherwise the scene never gains the momentum that you plan to destroy at the end for comedic effect. For this one the opening scene with the president in the oval office needs to feel real in order for the ending to have maximum effect.

Anyway, let me know what you think of the scene. Does the ending work? Is there anything I should change about the beginning to make it feel more real? Is there anything I could do to give it more momentum or to make the ending have better effect? Feel free to let me know your opinions.

-Jared

Short Film #1

Presidential Telephone

Characters:

The President

Charles

Bill

Presidential Aid

General Gillespie

Comm Guy #1

Captain

Henry

Fighter Pilot

Setting:

A group of important looking people are gathered in the Oval Office. They are pacing around and looking at their watches and checking the door. One of the men is sitting to the side of the president’s desk next to a bank of phones. It is clear from the anxiety on all of their faces that something important is happening and that they are waiting for someone to join them.

The door opens and several secret service men enter the room and stand at either side of the open door. The president enters tailed by several more men in suits. As the president enters the men in the room straighten, those sitting stand.

President: (striding in and taking his place behind his desk) I’m sorry that it took so long for me to get here. I came as soon as I got the word. Charles would you like to get me up to speed on what is going on?

Charles: (standing next to a large flat screen on the wall) Yes sir Mr. President. At approximately 1400 hours today Delta flight 212 ceased communications with ground control at their destination airport in Delaware. We have been unable to establish any communication with the cockpit but we have received several calls from people on the plane that confirm the presence of armed men who have forcefully taken control on the plane.

President: Do we know the hijackers’ intentions?

Bill: Yes, Mr. President. Lately we have been intercepting an increased of chatter from key terrorist cells located in Afghanistan and Iran. From what we have been able to decipher the terrorists plan is to crash the plane into the Empire State Building in New York City.

Charles: Mr. President this information is consistent with the altered course flight 212 is taking.

President: (pausing for a beat he massages his temples looking worried) How many people would be in the Empire State Building on a day like today.

Bill: On an average work day… about twenty-one-thousand. But then you have to factor in tourists…

President: Okay, I think I get the point. (pausing for another beat he looks up as if for guidance) Charles what type of protocol do we have for this situation?

Charles: Mr. President after 9/11 we have come up with a number of protocols to guide us in events like this. Given the intelligence we have received and the flight path of the hijacked vehicle, protocol is that we scramble fighters to intercept and bring the plane down before it can reach its target.

President: (slumping into his chair behind his desk, looking overwhelmed)(After a beat) How many people are on that flight?

Charles: Sixty-five Mr. President.

President: (after another beat) What do I need to do?

Charles: We have taken the liberty of scrambling a squadron of hornets to intercept the plane. I have the pentagon on line and they are connected to Andrews Air Force Base. We just need you to give the okay and the fighters will engage.

President: (Getting to his feet) It pains my soul to have to do this Charles.

Charles: I know Mr. President. It is a tough decision to have to make, but we will support whatever you decide to do.

President: (after a beat) Tell them to take the shot.

Charles: (turning to a presidential aid sitting next to the bank of telephones) Take the shot.

Presidential Aid: (into the telephone) Take the shot.

We cut to the inside of the pentagon. It is a situation room, there are large screens on the wall showing satellite footage of the plane and maps of flight plans. General Gillespie is standing next to a table holding a phone to his ear.

General Gillespie: (turning to comm. guy #1 sitting at a table next to him)(slurring the words a little bit) Take the shot.

Comm. Guy#1: (into his headset)(more slurred than the General) Dake the shot.

We cut to the inside of a communication room at Andrews Air Force Base. There are computer terminals all around. We can see radar screens and personnel are stationed at computer terminals hooked up to headsets. The captain is standing next to a desk holding a phone to his ear.

Captain: (turning to Henry stationed across the aisle from the station he is at)(more slurred and distorted than the guy before him) Dake the shop.

Henry: (into his headset) Bake the shop.

We cut to the inside of a jet fighter.

Fighter Pilot: Bake the shop? What does that mean “bake the shop.” There is no way that is what the president said. (the screen splits and we see the inside of the hornet and the inside of the communications room) Henry, put the president on the phone.

Henry presses a button on his phone and his half of the screen switches to the inside of the oval office.

Fighter Pilot: Mr. President, what did you say?

President: I said, take the shot.

Fighter Pilot: You won’t believe what it was by the time it got to me. I heard “bake the shop.” (pauses a beat) Isn’t that wild!

The room is silent for a moment then the oval office bursts into laughter. Charles doubles over laughing. The president almost loses his balance and has to sit down at his chair. Bill pounds on the table and the other aids in the office react similarly. In the other frame the pilot is laughing uproariously (evidenced by how his helmet is moving and the distorted sound of his laughter through the comm.) Before the laughs subside the president reaches for the phone.

President: Lets get the pentagon on the line. They need to hear this!

He presses the button and the screen splits in three. The pentagon is in the bottom frame.

General Gillespie: (answering the phone) This is General Gillespie.

President: John! You know how I told you to take the shot? Guess what it was by the time it got to the fighter pilot? BAKE THE SHOP! That’s not even close!

The Pentagon erupts into laughter. Every technician at every terminal laughs uproariously. The oval office erupts into laughter anew.

Fighter Pilot: Henry!

The screen splits into four and now we see the comm. room of the air force base again. Henry is sitting at his terminal, he has his phone switched to speaker.

Henry: (taking off his headset) What?

Fighter Pilot: The message was “take the shot.” You told me to bake the shop.

The comm. room bursts into laughter.

Henry: (through his laughter) I swear that is what I heard!

All four frames are laughing wildly. Slowly the laugher starts to die down. The rooms calm down until finally everyone is left panting, occasionally remarking about how humorous that was.

President: Man, that is just rich.

The laughter dies entirely and everyone is left standing shaking their heads.

Fighter Pilot: (after a beat of silence) But, take the shot though right?

President: (not missing a beat) Yeah take the shot.

We cut to the exterior of the fighter as it launches a missile. We hear an explosion.

THE END

Palindromes

Scott came up with this cool palindrome the other day:

Erotisms in a groin or a camera are macaroni organisms I tore.

But I shot this one back at him and totally shut him up!

Bob, poop a boob? A poop Bob.

What I will be blogging

So I have been kicking around several ideas as to what I should do with this blog. I want it to be an accurate expression of who I am but at the same time I want it to be something that is enjoyable to read and not to heavy handed. Anyway, I have decided that what I want to do is post things that I have written and open myself up for commentary, criticism, praise, advice, or whatever.

I have written several short films these past several months that I want to post and get feedback on. I also have some other ideas for sketches, stand-up comedy material, humorous slideshows etc. that I would like to get some feedback on. Hopefully I will just be able to dump all of my ideas onto this blog and get people's response.

Because two of my biggest advisers (Kelsey and Natalie) have already read my previous scripts I will post those later. The next thing I will post will be something that I just finished. Expect it today or tomorrow.